


burning soul.

by ragingdrumboner



Series: burning. [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 07:30:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10566543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingdrumboner/pseuds/ragingdrumboner
Summary: what did koushi have to do to get her to notice he wasn't okay?





	

**Author's Note:**

> who's ready for more oddly specific fics about the happenings in my life only with fictional characters. anyways, enjoy more self indulgent crap

Koushi shifted, fidgeting his hands nervously as he came into the room and gripped the back of the couch. His mother glanced up at him from her seat adjacent to the couch Koushi held onto.

“Oh! Koushi, I thought you were meeting up with Sawamura-kun soon,” she asked, setting her book down into her lap.

“I am!” Koushi quickly said, “I just wanted to stop home first um,” he shifted in his spot. His mom looked at him with questioning in her deep hazel eyes, seeing that he had something to say. “Mom, you know how I um, used to go to therapy for my anxiety and depression? Well, um, I think maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I…” he trailed off when he heard his mother sigh.

“Koushi,” she began, leaning her back against the chair she was curled up in, “why do you think you need to go back to therapy? It’s not covered in our insurance, so I’m not even sure if we can afford it,” she told her son, who glanced down with a sigh.

Koushi pushed a hand through his ashen hair, “I know Mom, I just,” he shrugged, “my anxiety has been kind of bad lately and my depression and emotions aren’t too great either and I just, I don’t know,” he kept his gaze resigned to his pale hands that gripped the top of the couch tightly. He hated talking about this, he hated the disappointment that hung in his mother’s tone whenever he talked about it.

“Are you sure it’s not just stress from graduating soon?” She asked him, “this might just be a normal thing for third years to feel at this point.”

The setter shook his head, “no, Mom, what I’m feeling isn’t normal, I don’t…” he sighed again, trying to hide away the frustration that threatened to escape. The two were silent for a few beats before his mother ran a hand through her own pale blonde locks.

“Well, I’ll look into it, I guess, but Koushi, I just don’t know if it’ll work out,” she told him, clear in her answer that she just wanted to let the issue drop. She glanced at the time, “shouldn’t you get going to be meeting Sawamura-kun soon?” She reminded him.

Koushi’s eyes flicked to the time as well, “oh, yeah, okay,” he looked down at his phone, pocketing it as he turned away. “Um, thanks, Mom, I’ll uh, see you later,” he muttered before quickly leaving the house.

The third year could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as he put his headphones in and began the short journey to where he and Daichi were meeting. Daichi had picked up on how distressed Koushi had been lately and offered that they go to a small restaurant for dinner that night. Koushi couldn’t help but feel a little bad for showing up to their date so upset, but he was just so frustrated that he couldn’t keep the tears at bay.

Why couldn’t his mother just accept that he needed help? What did Koushi have to do to get her to notice he was not okay? Starve himself? Slit his wrists? Try to kill himself? Koushi stifled a hiccup at the thoughts. He didn’t want to do any of those things but maybe if that’s what it took for his mother to notice her hurting son, then… 

His thoughts trailed off as he reached the restaurant, rubbing at his eyes, the setter looked around for Karasuno’s captain. Upon seeing him, Koushi could feel the pain that had gathered in his chest disappear a little bit. The other third year was sitting on a bench outside the restaurant, patiently waiting for the vice captain to arrive. Koushi just hoped he hadn’t been waiting there too long.

Taking his headphones out, Koushi trotted over to the other boy, “Daichi!” He called out, catching the teen’s attention. A smile spread across his face as he spotted his beloved setter.

“Suga,” the captain hummed, standing to meet Koushi, who smiled softly upon reaching the dark haired boy. Daichi smiled himself and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, feeling Koushi relax into him with a content sigh. “Ready to go in?” Daichi asked, pulling away from Koushi. The blond just nodded in response and trailed his boyfriend in.

\--

Dinner went just about how Koushi expected, fun and relaxing and Koushi couldn’t be more glad for having Daichi, especially now. As they were leaving, Koushi could feel the feeling of dread he felt earlier start to rear its ugly head. He tried to keep it from leaking onto his face and instead slipped his hand into Daichi’s, gripping tightly. The captain, still unsuspecting, glanced at him and smiled softly.

“You wanna come over? It is Friday, after all,” he reminded the setter. Despite the bad feeling that was beginning to settle in the bottom of his stomach, there was nothing Koushi wanted more than to spend the night with Daichi. Besides, after the rather awkward conversation with his mother, Koushi wasn’t exactly looking forwards to going back home.

“Yes, please,” Koushi breathed softly, squeezing Daichi’s fingers a little tighter. The wing spiker nodded in response and the pair began their short journey towards Daichi’s home. 

Not much was said as they walked, only idle chit chat about various things, the team, the meal they just had, what Daichi had planned for upcoming practices. However, throughout all of it, Koushi still couldn’t shake the underlying bad feeling that tumbled around in his stomach. He tried not to let it show, he couldn’t worry Daichi like that. 

Koushi had always struggled with expressing negative emotions. It had gotten particularly bad in the last two years, he had always had a tendency towards keeping his emotions in check, but as of late, he’d gotten into the habit of even keeping them from Daichi. He just didn’t want others to worry about him. He didn’t want to burden anyone else with his problems, even those he was closest to. He knew that if he asked Daichi for help, his boyfriend would be more than happy to help him, but Koushi just couldn’t bear to make him worry.

When the couple arrived to Daichi’s house, Koushi hadn’t realized how silent he had become. He glanced up and almost winced to see Daichi looking at him with concern in his eyes.

“Suga? Are you okay?” He asked, a worried frown tugging at his lips.

Koushi could feel his heart leap with fear as he saw the worry sink into Daichi’s face. Frantically, Koushi responded. “Yeah! Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” He asked, forcing a smile onto his face, though it was far from genuine.

Daichi looked unconvinced, but nodded slowly, not pressing the issue any further. He simply kissed the other boy’s cheek before opening the door and leading Koushi inside. Koushi still had a firm grip on the captain’s hand, following him towards his room. Once the pair reached Daichi’s bed, Koushi immediately found himself pressing into Daichi’s side, a sigh escaping him. 

“Alright,” Daichi began, shifting so he could look down at Koushi, “what's wrong? You've been really quiet most the way home.”

“Dai, I told you --”

“Suga, come on,” he sighed, “you don't have to try to fool me. Come on, what's wrong? You know you can tell me anything,” he assured the leaner boy, running a hand through his pale blond locks.

Koushi leaned into the touch and sighed again, his eyes flicking downwards, “it’s stupid...just, forget about it, I don't want to worry you.”

“Well, it’s too late for that, and I’m sure it’s not stupid,” he hummed.

Sucking in a breath, Koushi pressed his face against Daichi’s chest before speaking again. “I asked my mom about going back to therapy…” he trailed off.

“I’m assuming it didn't go well?” Daichi questioned, his hand moving from Koushi’s hair down to his shoulders.

Koushi shook his head, “not really, no, I just,” a breath caught in his chest, “she seemed so disappointed when I asked about it. She tried to push it off as ‘stress from being a third year’ but it's not that at all.” He curled his fingers into Daichi’s shirt, feeling tears brim as he went on speaking, “she just doesn't want a broken child, she’d never _say_ that but fuck, Daichi, I know that's how she feels and it _hurts_.” He grit out, hating the way the tears that rimmed his eyes burned and begged to fall. “What do I have to do to get her to notice that everything is not alright?” He asked, though he wasn't really sure if he actually wanted an answer.

“Koushi…” Daichi breathed, Koushi could feel the soft puff of air splash across his cheeks. He burrowed into Daichi’s chest further, willing the tears that threatened away. “What did she say exactly?” He asked softly.

A hiccup bubbled from Koushi’s throat now, much to his dismay. “She said she wasn't sure if we could afford it, but we managed before just fine so I don't see why now all of a sudden…” he pawed at his eyes, swiping the dampness away.

“Sounds like she’s trying to make excuses,” Daichi murmured. Koushi only nodded in response, gripping a little tighter onto the fabric of Daichi’s shirt. “But Koushi, you’re eighteen now, so maybe you don't even really need her to do this.”

“Yeah but there's just one problem with that, _I_ can't afford the costs at all,” he frowned, looking up at Daichi.

Daichi’s face pulled into a look of thought, a hum vibrating from his chest. “Well, are one of the reasons she doesn't want you going back is because she doesn't like dealing with appointments and such?”

Koushi shrugged, “I mean, maybe, I don't really know,” he glanced down again.

“Well, perhaps if you dealt with all that stuff instead of her, she’d be a little more willing to let you go back.”

“Maybe…” he trailed off again. Frustration started to bubble up in his chest again and once again, tears threatened to fall. “I just, I’m tired of all this, I want to be okay again, I’m so tired of feeling so horrible emotionally all the time,” Koushi hiccuped. “I don't want to feel like this anymore, is that too much to ask?” Tears started to drip down Koushi’s pale cheeks now and he was powerless to stop them. “If I keep doing what I’m doing now, then it's only going to get worse and hurt worse, but,” he sniffled, “if I go back to therapy then I’m a disappointment and that’s not good either.” He buried his face fully into Daichi and let the tears fall, his shoulders trembling ever so slightly.

Daichi rubbed his hand over Koushi’s shoulders, “Koushi...your mom will get over it, she might not like but she’ll learn, and besides, don't you think she’d rather see you happy and in therapy then alone and suffering?”

“I-I guess…”

“Well, there you go,” he hummed, “you need to bring this up to your mom again. You can't just let it drop or else it'll never get better,” he told the setter.

Koushi nodded and looked up at Daichi again, his tears slowing and eventually abating. “You're right...I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow,” he promised. 

“Good,” Daichi murmured, grabbing Koushi by the chin slightly so he could lean forward and press a kiss to his lips. Koushi returned the kiss softly and let himself relax into Daichi’s touch. He hummed softly as Daichi’s thumb brushed away any tears that still lingered on Koushi’s face.

The two pulled away after a few beats and Koushi let out a little bit content sigh, “why do you have to be so right all the time?” He asked. It seemed that every time Koushi had some sort of ridiculous problem, Daichi was always there to help him work through it.

“Well, one of us has to be,” Daichi smirked. Koushi huffed and smacked Daichi playfully on the arm, muttering ‘jerk’ as he did so. Daichi only laughed in response and grabbed Koushi tight, pulling him down onto the bed so that the setter was laying on top of him. 

Koushi sighed happily now, resting his head on his boyfriend’s broad chest and just letting the world be at peace for awhile.

**Author's Note:**

> ya so i basically tried to get my mom to let me go back to therapy and it basically went how it did here only i don't have a bf to help lol. this turned out pretty okay and took three days to write??? hope u enjoyed!


End file.
